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Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt