When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW