What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
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Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig