STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
“A little help here, Danny?”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Birds & Planes.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.