barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.