Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
sin harder.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.