GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
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explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body