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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Meme Monday.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.