I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.