I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Seems a bit forward
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
happy friday
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love