Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Wednesday
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
How to wake up a Beagle
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.