“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Taliband
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.