Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine