there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.