the pigeons are already plenty salty
You Might Also Like
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
$4 #usedbooks
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see