There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
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I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Time heals everything 🙂
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years