Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy