Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
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People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!