Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
i’m still crying at this
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam