I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
The fall of Netflix
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words