ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
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Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
When ur friends with white people
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️