Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
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My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines