“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.