actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
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ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?