*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
i want to work in this restaurant
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.