it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
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Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
How your email finds me
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.