My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
men are simple creatures
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?