I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Feel. He’s so soft.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”