Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Fiction has to make sense.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
being a writer on Twitter:
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit