One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary