All generalizations are stupid.
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Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child