The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance