Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension