Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT