The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture