My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
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I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
first you must answer his riddles
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.