I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
.. do you even science?
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie