TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off