When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I’m tired tomorrow.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”