My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
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Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.