I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE