Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug