Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
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My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
this has to be peak English
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye