HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
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Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
This why you should mind your business
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
i will not be silenced
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition