Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
The Book. The Movie.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode