It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
They grow up so quick
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆