He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
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If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.