trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
lmaaaaaooooooooo
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up