[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
the greatest twitter interaction
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Good morning.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project