If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I think the cat got the dog high.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
🤣🤣🤣
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Noah
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.